Oops, She Did It A--Oh Wait, No She Didn't

I know I'm a little late to the necktie party, but still I feel compelled to weigh-in on last night's VMA fiasco. And I'm not just talking about the opening performance.

First off, though, Britney. Oh, Britney, Britney. Brit-ney. For one thing, I'm going to tell myself that she did not choose her own costume. That I'm willing to blame on a stylist, although it certainly made me feel better about my own postpartum bod. I mean, egad. Sure she looked good for having had two children recently in close succession, but with the sharks circling someone should have known that little black number was only gonna be blood in the water. She should have just said No, as it were. What is it they teach with Stranger Danger? "Just say, 'No,' go and tell?"

And as far as her actual "performance" is concerned...I felt for her. She looked scared. She looked like she knew the number was hopelessly lame. She looked like she wanted her 2001 snake back so she could crawl into its hole & die. [Note: Okay, so I think pythons actually spend most of their time in trees, but that doesn't exactly work to make my point, so I'm bending the truth. Please, if you're an albino python out there reading this, don't sue me for gross misrepresentation.]

Going in I was almost rooting for her. No, I WAS rooting for her. I wanted her to kick ass so that everyone would shut the hell up. It would have been a brilliant, Lee Press-On finger raised at the media and all other naysayers. "Can you hear this Bitches? Well lemme turn it UP!" But obviously it didn't work out that way. The whole thing was a set up. Just give the girl enough rope.

As for the rest of the show...Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I was really looking forward to seeing groups like Fall-Out Boy and the Foo Fighters churn out some ass-kicking, Best-of caliber performances. I was not looking forward to watching them perform in my friend's basement, which is how the "Suite" concept came off. One can only look up Dave Grohl's nose so many times before even I begin to question my affection. The claustrophobic camera angles and poor acoustics made it almost painful (not to mention the drunk chick in every front row who was clearly aware of the fact that she was on camera). And God forbid they would have aired an entire song at any given time. It was like, "Here's Fall-Out boy...[riff riff riff]...and now back to you!"

While it's true that Britney pretty much blew, at least she can count among her miserable company members of MTV's creative and production teams. Better luck next year, guys. You too, Brit.