Diet Rite

Let me preface this all by acknowledging that realize I don't have much to complain about in the post-partum weight loss department. I paid my real dues after Lucas was born, taking a leisurely 11 months to lose 45 of the 50 pounds I had gained (thanks in part to a diet rich in Peanut Butter Captain Crunch). This time around I only packed on 35 (thanks in part to a rousing bout of norovirus the week before Christmas). Now, at almost 7 weeks post-partum, I only have 12 pounds left to lose to return to my pre-Alex weight (17 pounds to return to pre-Lucas weight, but let's not get stupid here). That said, I've also already played all my "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards. Water weight? Gone. Depression? Dealt with. Too busy to eat? Not so much anymore. It's time to get serious.

So now I'm kind of on a diet. Actually, I'm kind of on lots of diets. In the morning I start out on the Post cereal Eat 2 Lose 10 Plan. "Lose 10lbs. The Heart Healthy Way!" the box brags. All I have to do is substitute a serving of a Post Heart Healthy Cereal for two meals a day. So each morning I carefully measure out one half cup of cereal and one half cup of milk. This week I'm doing Grape-nuts which, by the way, I've found to be highly polarizing, the Hillary Rodham Clinton of cereals, if you will, as everyone seems to have an opinion about their edibility. (In the interest of equal time, I suppose a case could also be made that Grape-nuts are "the George W. Bush of cereals," except that I like Grape-nuts. But I digress.) Try as I might, though, I can't bring myself to eat cereal two meals a day.

Instead, in the best of all possible worlds, for lunch I do the Progresso Soup Diet. Progresso boasts "32 different soups with 100 calories or fewer per serving." Sounds wonderful and easy. Except that instead of just a serving, I eat the whole can, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't chase it with an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies. (I am not making this up.) Damn the Girl Scouts and their Boxes of Sin! They show up every year just as I'm about to drop weight. Damn them! Why? Moreover, why did I feel obligated to order 9 boxes? I'll tell you why--because I was a Girl Scout, and I remember the humiliation of having to knock on doors and solicit strangers to buy my stupid, lame-ass cookies.

So here I am trying to drop a pound a week on this cereal soup diet, but every time I open the cupboard I'm acosted by boxes of sweet crunchy goodness. The only way out, as I see it, is to launch a kind of Cookie Blitzkrieg, to consume all the remaining cookies in as little time as possible. I've already proven that I can kill of a box of Caramel deLites in a sitting. Can I do an entire sleeve of Thin Mints? Can I do two? I have to get these cookies the hell out of my house!

Hallelujah! In the time it has taken me to write and edit this, I have polished off another half a box of the caramel thingies. At this rate I'll be cookie-free and on my way to Miss Hawaiian Tropic by week's end! Must...keep...going...