1-800-Service

That tears it. As I sat down a few moments ago to start this post, this rant, if you will, the phone rang again. A glutton for punishment, I answered in spite of the fact that the call--for the 6th time today--came up 1-800-Service.
"Hello?" Me.
Pause while information comes up on computer.
"HelLOo?" Still me.
"Oh, Mr. Lee?"
"No, this is Jonene."
"Is this Mrs. Lee?"
Oh what the hell, "Sure."
"Hi, Mrs. Lee, this is [somebody] with [some kind of children's cancer charity] and we were just calling to thank you for [something you didn't actually do, which is contribute money to these children, "most of whom have less than a year to live," so that they can go to Disney World or some shit]. We just wanted to make sure [that you will send us the same imaginary money you did last year or] something else I wasn't really listening to."
"Look," I began, "I don't mean to be rude, but this is the sixth separate charity call we've gotten today. We aren't donating ANY money at this time."
"That's not rude," she said (obviously not privy to my internal dialogue), "Thank you. Have a nice day."
"You too," I said.

Since nine a.m. today I have answered six calls from charities. All of them have asked for Ron (read: Mr. Lee), which is funny because last I knew the only people he occasionally gave money to were the State Highway Patrol Policeman's Ball Fund (or whatever the hell that one is) and the Republican Party. [Sidebar: Ron's financial support of the Republican Party came to an abrupt halt when he received his pledge return envelope addressed to "Ronald Van Meter." Oops. Of course, the only reason they got to him in the first place was that Ron answered the phone once when they called asking to speak with me, at which point he informed them that they might want to take me off their call list, what with me being a registered Democrat and all. Apparently the stupid runs down hill, too.]

Anyway, we've learned the hard way that giving a little here or there means that suddenly everyone will try to solicit you all the time. Blood in the water. In 2005 I gave small amounts to the American Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity. I sent $25 to the University of Minnesota (the first money I have ever contributed to any alma mater). I bought 12 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies and 1 tin of caramel corn from a little Boy Scout (Weeblo?) who was hauling them around the neighborhood in a red wagon. Oh, and I stuck a couple bucks and some change in the Salvation Army kettle at the grocery store.

I am sorry that bald children need money for wigs and trips to Disneyland, that the policemen/firefighters/state patrol need dance captains or money to keep at-risk kids off the streets. I do not wish to give money to politicians regardless of party affiliation. I do not want to buy random knick-knacks or overpriced candy to help keep juvies out of jail. I do not need buyer protection for my credit card, nor do I wish to take advantage of any other offers for which I qualify as a valued customer. And although I appreciate the gesture, I really don't need anymore free address labels or Personalized Bear Cub Notepads. And I have never even heard of the TelecomPioneers although apparently, according to their latest mailing, "When people in Nebraska call for help--the TelecomPioneers are always ready to answer!" Who knew?

Bottom line is I ain't got no money, honey. I quit big-girl job to raise son and work part-time for paltry hourly wage. Current Discretionary Income, Zero Dollars. And honestly if I did have money right now, I would probably use it to buy a couple of Korean Boxwoods to plant in the dirt bed out front where I prematurely tore out all the river rock. Please make checks payable to : The Front Yard Fund to Benefit Dirt Piles That May Otherwise Remain Baked And Clumpy All Summer.

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